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A Truly Canadian Car

Fri Mar 4, 2005 The Webgeek 

While listening to the CBC this morning — yes, Miss Vicky and I are bonafide Radio One junkies — The Current's intro sparked an interesting conversation. As that gravelly disembodied voice spouted, in usual tongue-in-cheek style, the possibility of GM using it's new cash infusion into its Canadian plants to design a car specifically made for the Canuck market (available in three shades of beige and unable to run without government support) it made us think; what would a Canadian specific model actually be like? What would it be called? Would it actually be functional, or simply turn into The Homer?

First we agreed on it's basic shape: a four-door hatch-back. Ever since the Chevrolet Chevette, and it's Pontiac counterpart, the Acadian (our prototype perhaps?), Canadians have had a love/hate relationship with these little utilitarian vehicles. Inexpensive, surprisingly roomy, and able to hold the entire contents of a two bedroom apartment if packed properly; they've become indispensable to us. Also, their (usually) base model engines graciously allow for the occasional block-heaterless cold weather start and, more importantly, cheap Moto-Master replacement parts. Lets face it, if we Canucks can't do basic vehicle maintenance in a Canadian Tire parking lot, we're not truly happy with our cars.

Second, we tried to figure out it's name. Would they simply re-introduce the Acadian, or give it a new "exotic" name? We bandied about the Chinook, the Cariboo, and the Portage before realizing that, no matter what it was officially monickered, we'd probably just simply refer to it as the Stubbie. It'd be a quintessential hoser slant on the VW bug (which, coincidentally was officially named the Type 1 originally). Sure, some irony impaired people may frown on the idea of naming a car after a booze holding container, but then they can use whatever "official" name it gets tagged with. The rest of us would simply enjoy the nickname with quiet, nostalgic pride.

After these two crucial decisions, the added features started coming fast and furious. Some, like Four-wheel/all-wheel drive, great fuel economy & complimentary maps to every major Canadian city, were no brainers; but a few of our ideas were quite ingenious, if I may say so myself. Some of them were:


Now, I could go on and on... but I think it's time to open up the floor to you, Miss Vicky's faithful legion. What do you want in a Canadian made car?

Let us know.

Some people were moved to reply

Miss Vicky Mar 4, 2005 07:00 PM said:

Thanks, Webgeek, for summarizing our conversation... and running with it. Looking forward to see what the faithful legion have to think.

I might add that our Canadian car should also ensure maximum fuel-efficiency (hybrid - or perhaps Ballard Fuel Cell?), designed not just to meet but exceed Kyoto targets....

The Webgeek Mar 4, 2005 08:16 PM said:

I might add that our Canadian car should also ensure maximum fuel-efficiency (hybrid - or perhaps Ballard Fuel Cell?)

Well yes, but it should have the option of a big honkin' V8, so the Alberta boys and Quebec Rally enthusiasts will want it.

Yes, that means it would most likely be traveling in opposite fuel efficiency directions simultaniously, but then again, so is Canada.

Perhaps as a (poor) comprimise, we can fine tune it to run more efficiantly on pure ethinol.

Restless Hipster Mar 5, 2005 06:34 PM said:

You know, I've been designing this car in my mind for some time, and the Web Geek and Miss Vicky have summarized most of my ideas. But I've just gotta add some emphasis here: 4 wheel drive!
Also, as a native Montrealer, some kind of extra shock-absorption is necessary, or even better, a pothole detection system.

All cars should come with an ultrasonic hood-mounted whistle to help warn wildlife - and you should be required by law to activate it once entering a certain type of zoning (agricultural, rural etc). In the city, we'd only have dogs howling ad nauseum.
Also, until this system is put into place, cars should come with skunk odor detection systems, where the ventilation will automatically switch to internal air only.

Next, CAA memberships should come with the car.

On the list of things to heat: keyholes and rubber door sealing .... we've all had fun trying to open frozen doors and blow hot air into keyholes.

Ski racks, bike racks, and any other kind of rack should be available as an option.

Winter survival kit: as a preventative measure, all Canadian cars should come with a specially designed winter emergency kit. Space blanket, flares, Timbits etc.

Last but not least, I thought I'd share with you an incredible feat of ingenuity and engineering put together by friends of mine. These two (she a medical doctor, and he a mechanical engineer) decided that they would drive from Germany to South Africa. They bought a retired German army vehicle at auction, and set about modifying it. To start, it had slide-in bullet-proof panels.

They cut the roof off and reinstalled it with hydraulics. So you can raise the roof and stand fully erect in it. Next, they installed double-walled tanks that hold thousands of gallons of water and fuel, under the belly of the vehicle.

They stuck a spare tire on the roof, and stuck a small oil drum in it. This is their washing machine. Add water and soap, drive to slosh things around, open a valve to drain the water, add water, drive some more, and you have a full wash and rinse cycle. Drying clothing is generally not a problem in Africa.

They hooked up the engine cooling water to extra tubing, which attaches to a collapsible shower. They have hot water showers after long drives.

They also installed a false floor to hide various things.

Together, they did drive from Germany and all the way to Kenya - where they are building a house. On the way, they got married in a Nubian ceremony in Sudan, where they also took their vehicle into the desert to reconstruct a path from one oasis to another - it had disappeared and many herders had died trying to find the other end. Everyone told them they were nuts - maybe they were - but they did it. They also wandered into the Congo for a while during the outbreak of war. Now living in Kenya near a national park, they routinely pull fancy UN Nissan Patrols out of the muck.

Now if only she will write a book already so I don't have to beleaguer you with posts this long!

Restless Hipster

Flanders Mar 7, 2005 10:31 AM said:

Jeepers, Vicky, I think I've plugged in the car/van exactly three times since moving to Ottawa from Winnipeg, um, almost TWENTY years ago...but back home I know people simply buy timers so the block heater comes on 1 hour before they need it to...My folks also had an interior heater attached to the block heater and that was swell..

My contribution to the design would be a way to refill the washer fluid compartment without having to pop the hood...maybe run a line from the inside of the vehicle...and have the line come with a built-in funnel at the top so 3/4s of the fluid doesn't wind up either on the driveway or on the floor...

Sea Salt & Malt Vinegar Mar 7, 2005 10:52 AM said:

I know it's almost cliché for a family of my persuasion, but I bought a Toyota Prius. That was about 6 weeks ago. These days I wait eagerly by the phone waiting for "Vitold" - my dealer- to call and say the car has arrived. Itís been years since Iíve sat by the phone waiting for a dealer to call me saying something has arrived, but that will have to wait for another thread.

Leaving aside the ridiculous and rather smug mileage (kilometerage?), here's how the car scores on the canuck scale:

1. rust proofing: body panels are aluminum.

2. Extra Heated stuff: side mirrors heated.

3. Block heater. The car has this little 3-L thermos that keep coolant super hot for three days. When you start the car, it injects the hot stuff into the cylinder for a nice toasty start. But, because Iím Canadian, I got the block heater anyway.

4. Itís a 4 door hatch back.

5. Undercarriage: it has undercarriage plating.

6. Maybe this was from the Africa list instead of the Canuck list, but it also has a few secret storage compartments. Of course, I donít actually know exactly where yet, since I still donít have the damn car.

The only thing it doesnít have is a friggin' GST rebate I was hoping Ralph would give me for Easter.

The Webgeek Mar 7, 2005 12:27 PM said:

and have the line come with a built-in funnel at the top so 3/4s of the fluid doesn't wind up either on the driveway or on the floor...

just like the block heater timer, you can buy a washer fluid funnel to help in pouring. Holding the container sideways (as in "flat", with the label up) instead of by the handle when you pour also helps. It doesn't splatter as much that way; but yes, a built in funnel would be nice.

As for having the spout in car; I'm not sure you'd want to access the fluid tank that easily, especially if you've got kids. Trying to wash the windows with the soggy remains of a PB&J sandwich isn't too appealing.

The other option I'd like is a "low oil" warning light that turned on when you still had oil in the car. By the time you see a low oil indicator, the engine is bone dry... or so I've heard. *cough*

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